i'm volatile. always have been.
and sometimes i get in these. sometimes an hour, sometimes half a week. the longest was a few months, end of sophomore year. sometimes there's a trigger, sometimes not. this time not.
dazes. states of haze, where i'm there, but not really.
i can hear them, but i'm not listening.
and sounds tumble out of my mouth, but i don't know what the sentences mean. i'm talking,
am i talking? i am? but i'm not saying anything.
they're faded, anyway,
the words, like secrets through a closed door.
i wake up and my mind is telling my hands to go through the motions. they make breakfast and they pull on jeans and they tie oxford shoes and they occasionally even remember to grab lipstick.
i'm just there.
like i'm breathing underwater.
floating on through.
feeling the water on all sides,
gently pressing all around me.
and i flow with the water
and i sway with the water
and my hair ripples with the tide.
just existing, and breathing. in and out. in and out.
focusing on the deafening silence in my head that paints over everything else.
paints it blank.
and i'm not me.
and i want to shake myself, and wake myself, and be myself.
but blank me stands still and stares back and all i hear is time will fix it. time will fix it. time will fix it.
and so i wait.