insomnia.

i can't figure out my aversion to falling asleep early. the thrill of being swathed in cool sheets and letting go of the past day.

but i think what i love more is being the only one awake in what seems like the whole world.

well, my whole world. my small, bounded world

a space for only me

and my thoughts

and God.

like he tore off a strip of time from that day and stored it away for me to have.  to relax and reflect. not even on things profound or eternal. whatever i feel like, really.

but it's still a precious time

for only me 

and my thoughts 

and Him.

i hear these words on repeat. repeat. repeat. 

i feel the beat, the beat, the beat, in my head.

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –  

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –  
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb –  

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here – 

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –  
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then – 

-emily dickinson