“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.” 

                        ― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Sometimes people make me sad.

Like when this is on the front of the "B" section of the Salt Lake Tribune.

(for those maybe not quite as grammatically adept--- only one "L" should reside between the "U" and "N.")

And yeah, I'm a little compulsive about capitalizing/quoting single letters. What about it.

ALSO:

Dear "S,"

Consider this your notice of the restraining order I have taken out against you. Your proclivity for attaching to my side is inappropriate and it makes the rest of us look tacky unnecessarily. We resent both  this and you. Don't come near me ever again.

Sincerely, the "Y" in "anyway."

TELL YO KIDS, TELL YO WIFE, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO GET GRAMMATICALLY SOUND UP IN HERE!

6 months & 8 days.

That's how long it's been since I've seen this fella.

Try to put a leash on that green monster on your back when I tell what lucky girl got to talk to him on Christmas day.

( p.s. he loved the package. job well done, pinterest.)

Noel

A(Dam)e & Eve

Christmas Eve looked a bit like....

a vintage velvet LBD

Log Haven.....two thumbs/five stars.

clam chowder ::  almond hummus ::  hazelnut butternut squash ::  steak and lobster 

aaaaaaaand our flocked Christmas tree. 

I think Mom may have been having a little nostalgia for 1972.

The past few years our family tree has always ended up leaning toward the whimsical side

actually, I lied. They haven't simply leaned, they've full on tilted. Physically, too, usually.

I've dubbed them the "Whoville trees." 

We buy them thin and rather sparse and proceed to attach as many tacky ornaments as possible until the branches droop like Mom's arms with Costco grocery bags.

But the quirkiness makes it all the more endearing, right?

Truly hoping your Eve was as magical as it should be.

all my love.

life lately, according to the iPhone

kens making sunday dinners ::  christmas shopping at the mall ::  public transportation

soap operas ::  breakfast at tiffany's ::  discovering herbal tea (photo cred kens)

 matching Finn from Glee ::  sweet parental texts ::  men making me dinner

ugly sweaters to finals ::  sushi  ::  brother's feet outgrowing mine

pecans & lights.

last night my family had dinner with a certain boy's family

mismatched vintage dishes, roasted pecans, peppermint ice cream, & lots of laughs. 

weaknesses of mine.

it was all sorts of wonderful.

after which the brother & I went Christmas lights judging.
We've been blessed to live in a darling area
where the houses line streets named things like Apple Hill, Snow Forest Cove,
or mine, Cherry Woods Lane.

Congrats to the five finalists.

Your prize is the satisfaction of being deemed "beasts" of the lighted community by an eleven-year-old.

Yes, that is the ultimate compliment.

so run with it

& thanks for spreading Christmas cheer.

all my love.

busy bee break.

I'm in dire need of some cash

(college student with the spending habits of one with a steady job)

[read:  sushi]

So my break consisted of mostly odd-jobbing it:

dog walking    dirty dishes    dry cleaning    grocery shopping    nannying   

little girl parties      vacuuming     present-wrapping    

" I'll be home for Christmas...

....if only in my dreams."
                     -bing crosby

Christmas wonder is inescapable at our house.

that feeling of dragging your bags back for the break

and coming home to a place that matches the magical magnitude of Hogwarts.

My mother does a beyond excellent job, does she not?

Designed the house herself too.

porch view

every year my grandma gives us a handmade piece for our village set

I'm particularly fond of the lower left corner

the theater

as I painted it mysel.

that's right, me in all my non-craftiness. 

Romy, our annual North Pole visitor.

not a surface goes untouched 

by Christmas elves' nimble fingers.

the place is a knockout

& I wouldn't spend Christmas anywhere else.

all my love & best holiday wishes.

dear anonymous high school boys:

thank you for recognizing what an incredible girl my little sister is,

and thank you for the positive encouragement.

there is hope for this generation yet, I say.

Them final tests. Thems'll getcha.

'Bout ready to rip my hair out.

 So I'm doing what any stressed college student does: procrastinate.

And lived my full life in about 25 seconds.

First, I was a wee chile...




..I had a stint full of teen angst..




...followed by a highly successful career..




and retirement as a toothless asian tourist.

Heaven help the faint at heart,

heaven help the weary.

Cross your fingers.

Or pray. Preferably the latter.

But whichever you like; I'll take what I can get.

P.s. new obsessions?

Angus & Julia Stone.

And in case you feel like upchucking,

here.

it makes me grateful for my love life...

even a nonexistent one.

Christmas from the cinderblock cell.

Merry Christmas from the three most spiffy gurlz you'n e'r seen:

Sarah, Kensie, & yours truly.
Because we love awkward family pictures.

Eating all 25 chocolates the day I get the advent calendar.

It's a tradition I have yet to grow out of...(sorry mom).

My roommates have done an awesome job at sprucing up our little cinderblock dorm...but it just isn't quite the same as being home. 

Three days to go! Can't wait to be home.

Fate.

I thought I could stop him. 
I thought if I didn't allow Fate to happen, he wouldn't.
I thought if I ignored the far-distanced Fate and his warnings
--throw away the "save the date" cards in the mail, reject his phone calls--
that he'd leave me alone.

but instead he came closer.

   I had to tear down the reminders he taped on my door

and tell my friends to stop talking about him as if he were something of notice. That would only embolden him. 

"we have far more important things to discuss, like politics. or taxes. or the weather."

but that didn't discourage him. actually, he decided to move in.

toted his paisley carpet bag right on up to the guest room and set up his ten-foot hourglass in the kitchen, grains of sand as big as baseballs falling one by one.

   so then I had to brush away his prodding fingers every morning over my cereal. "Stop it, Fate. I'm trying to read the paper. Grow up, would you? Just leave me alone."

I think I hurt his feelings once or twice. I didn't mean to; I only wanted to be left alone without Fate always flashing his pocket watch at me and forcing his way into my thoughts every few minutes. 

Wouldn't you?  Wouldn't you?

But he never gave up on me, never let it be. He pestered me like a fly, and my resentment festered like a sore on my peace of mind.

The day came and was treated as any other. I washed my face and tried not to spill toothpaste on my dress, grabbed my keys and headed out for the day. Just another day, because it was any other day, remember?

Only, it wasn't. 

That night I sat on the floor, leaning back against the brick wall. Consciously feeling unconscious.

Fate walked in and slid down the wall, resting next to me. 
"Don't say it." 
"Wasn't going to."
"Fine, say it. Say 'I told you so.' Say 'I was right.'"

Pain flashed across his face.

"I was trying to help."

"Yeah, well, you didn't. Why did you have to tell me it was coming? Why did I have to know? You couldn't have just let me be happy for the time I had left? Instead, I spent it anxiously counting minutes."

We sat in silence.

"This is the way Life works. What I do...it isn't easy. And it isn't my choice. There's a bigger design here, and I don't get to draw the pattern; I'm only the needle that weaves the thread.  Whether I rekindle lost love or tear families apart, whether your dad loses his job or the Titanic sinks or the cancer is miraculously gone....It's His design. I don't get to choose.  Some things happen in an instant, and you're left with the aftermath. So, when I can, I like to give fair warning.  I may not, but you have a choice.  Some things are destined from the start, and if you know beforehand, maybe you act differently and make the most of of. Maybe you don't, but I like to let you decide. 

Divinity may choose who, what, when, where, & why things happen, but you determine how.  How you handle things beyond your control is up to only you. 

Attitude is always a choice-- before, during, & after."

With that, he squeezed my hand and stood.

Trust in Him.

And I do.

by the numbers

2 unmade beds in our dorm room
4.5 days to break
12 things I'm probably forgetting to do
39 days until Elder West leaves
6 finals
3 to go
15 days to Christmas
560 days to 6.22.13
1 very frazzled girl.

& a great, great video.

y'all gotta watch this.

art festivities-ies-ies.

I'm on a serious I-miss-summer-SO-much-this-gray-ish-sucks kick.

Throwback pictures from the art festival this past summer.

[These are the new friends I made.  We had a nice time.]

all my love

ay-chee-double-hockey-sticks week.

Finals start the twelfth. 

Welcome to HELL week.

Right now I should be studying covalent bonds

or whatever it is those electron buggers do.

Instead,

I'm channeling MJ.

and yes. the hat is because I haven't washed my hair.

Thank you college.

Oh, and this song rocks my world

(thanks Shey).

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas,

happy holidays,

& a bearable finals week.

Let's just breathe.

all my love.

a present sent abroad.

The Christmas package I sent to my missionary in Mexico included his favorite kinds of things:

snickers, peanut butter, church CDs, pranks, letters & such.

Two things that I am particularly proud of:

(because they required me to be crafty. FYI--I'm not crafty. I have not one domestic particle.)

1) skinny tie to match those baby blues with an important date embroidered on the back. 

2) deck of cards with 52 things I love about him written on the back

(thank you, pinterest)

Took it to the post office the week of Thanksgiving.

I just hope he gets it in time.

all my love.