A while back I was talking with my
girlfriends at a stoplight. It was cloudy, and I was
gathering pieces, distracting myself while on the mend. We laughed at one of
our friend’s latest escapades, and Mel’s eyes suddenly widened. I whipped my
head around to see her target and my eyes locked on my favorite sweater. White, with a thick, gray stripe across the
shoulders. And –
– and OHHHH.
I couldn’t breathe.
I tried to wave off the nausea with a
laugh and weak smile.
It took him less than 48 hours to cut
his hair.
(I know the significance of this is
lost on almost all but me. Trust my
experience; taking scissors to that perfect coif is not a decision of marginal
magnitude.)
My professor once said, We look for evidence, not information. We
search out the data with innuendos
and attachment and meaning. We find patterns.
Empirical evidence, not just information.
That’s what it was to me.
Proof that he was now different, and the
different clearly wasn’t mine to claim.
New.
New me, and you’re not welcome in.
How foolish and trivial it was. A haircut.
But really, it wasn’t just a haircut.
…….…………………
A month later, I turned into the
parking lot of an apartment complex. It’s funny how time skews perception. I miscounted the speed bumps. In my passenger seat sat a returning
good-luck token, with a note to dull the ache.
Loose ends.
His parked car caught my eye. Right
there on the front line, almost insultingly conspicuous. Catcalling. Hey,
hottie babe. He’s here, you know. He’s
been here. Where’ve you been?
I remembered wisecracking at Courtneyweeks ago, telling her what I miss most is the rides. In Courtney fashion, she said, That would make a great essay.
I shot the car a crusty as I walked up
the first set of concrete steps.
A hollow wooden door. Regret on one side, bitterness on the
other. Three inches. A chasm of pride, ambition, selfishness. Most
of it mine.
I knew the layout of the room behind
that front door. I remembered sitting on
that black couch at the beginning of it as we quietly took down walls, brick by
brick.
He asked, Scars. Do you have many?
Everybody
has scars, I murmured. It’s the open wounds that really matter.
So much in those three inches. I
clenched my hand, raised my fist.
I caught my reflection in the
window. My untamable hair was thrown up
on my head, and I was wearing no makeup except a vivid coral lip. My skin was
browned from a recent weekend getaway. I
looked young and vibrant. I looked like one of my favorite versions of me.
A passing thought of, If he opened this door right now, he would
treat me like a stranger. The warmth
of familiarity, the unvoiced admission of
even-though-it’s-different-now-we-used-to-dance-in-the-kitchen-don’t-you-remember?….that
was not going to be there. I’d seen
it go before. It would be gone.
I didn’t knock.
And that’s all that needs to be said
on that, really. That says enough.
Headed back to my car, I did what very
well may be the creepiest thing I’ve ever done (and ever hope to do). I walked over to that damn car and shamelessly
peered in the windows. A desire to exert
control? Morbid curiosity?
It was messier than usual. An empty
Mountain Dew bottle, hiking boots, and his favorite black-and-white checked
scarf were littered across the backseat.
I knew nothing about why those items
were there. Had he gone hiking? He never
wears those boots. Why had he needed a scarf?
I remembered the day I saw his
haircut. And just like that, I came to terms with my ignorance.
I.
didn’t. know. And I wasn’t going to know. He was still
the same man I’d known for so long, but he was changing day by day, hour by
hour, choice by choice. Time and
decisions I was not a part of.
I slid into my car. Flipped down the
mirror and stared.
Here I
am. Barefaced.
Ready to screw prudence.
