hi

12.03.2011

until.

We said goodbye June 19, though he didn't leave until the 22nd.  He needed to have some time to focus on his family & regroup before leaving.

He came over that Sunday after his farewell and didn't leave until 5:00 the next morning.
  
It felt out-of-body, at first, when I heard him knock. Was this happening? and I couldn't control it, so I closed off inside myself, pushing The Other Girl to the front, making her pull my cheeks up into a smile. Someone else was opening the door for the last time, seeing the sad eyes on the porch.

What do you say when there aren't words?
We sat in quiet until we didn't. 
       accents. that's how we tore down the silence. we spoke in accents. 
       terribly inaccurate ones, mind you
             sliding from southern to british to chilean.

And we laughed, and exhaled, and he tucked my hair behind my ear.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and he carried me upstairs, gently sitting on my bed. thinking alone, breathing together.

He was there until he wasn't.
He couldn't leave. I couldn't let him leave.
but he did. he had to. and I wanted him to.
it all is for the best.

then, I couldn't feel him anymore
I heard footsteps treading down the stairs.
  a pause
  a creaky stair
and he was back.

The last few tender moments broke my heart.
I held on until I wouldn't.
I had to save a few heartstrings to keep myself going.
to keep my lungs expanding and contracting
and the blood pumping.
So I pushed him away
and heard the front door click.
He sat in his car for a while
My breath clouded the window
       the fog slipped off the pane, and I breathed it in.
       I felt it swell down my throat, flush through my veins
       it all became haze.
his taillights disappeared
and my forehead fell against the cool glass.

6:00am, wrapped in his XL shirt. bracing myself on the sides of the sink, gasping. breath being strangled in my throat by the sobs ripping through my chest. 

   a searing rent 
       a hollow ache
the remaining heartstrings snapped

makeup smeared by the tears coursing their paths down my face.  Then, a blurred mom with a grim smile, "Well. You're doing better than I thought."

I felt until I couldn't.
I'll wait until I won't.

5 comments:

kylee said...

oh.my.gosh.
you should probably write a book.
that was amazing.
but not even kidding you i would read that ten more times before i would re-read twilight. that was so real and so beautiful. in a sad way with a hint of goodness. it was perfect really.

Emily said...

I agree with Kylee....please write a book. You are such a good writer - you keep us readers on the edge of our seats with our eyes constantly wanting to peek a few words ahead, hoping to catch a glance of what comes next. I loved it :)

lauren erin said...

saying goodbye to someone you love is always so difficult, my heart breaks for you :( felt those same feelings before! your writing is wonderful, i so enjoy reading your blog. love the honesty of it all!
xo
L

Bailey said...

3 things.
1)your blog is lovely.
2)your writing is brilliant.
and 3)i am secretly hoping you two get married...

mycrisscrossedblog.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

Been there, sister. Been there. Unfortunately, my guy was a jerk, and I didn't realize it till he had been gone on his mission for two months. So I do not write him anymore.
But your guy sounds like the real deal. So good luck.