AN ANNOUNCEMENT: When Life Hurls You into Thorough Anarchy, and Then You Deal with It (Gracelessly).

Several weeks back I took a vacation with my mom and sister to New York.

Normally, I feel in place in the city. Not in every way at home, but in place. Normally, the bustle and anonymity is invigorating.  But this time it made me feel very, very small.

I’ve always been a girl who plans. Schedules. Draws up lists. Color-coordinates. Day plans, week plans, year plans. Five year plans.  Got it?

In the last few years I’ve become even more particular – “excessively fussy,” some say --  about life structure. My structure, and the protection that it brings.  So you can imagine the hell that broke loose when I went to register for next semester and realized….I will graduate next semester. 

WHAT?!! This is only my fifth semester in Provo! FIFTH. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.  

WHO GRADUATES FROM COLLEGE AT 20?! 

I became un. hinged. Manic, I tell ya, Jose.  M-A-N-I-C.

My 4-year schedule has been planned since freshman year.  And somehow, some way, I shaved two full semesters off without going summers. (Shout-out to my highly-capable mother, who blessed/cursed me with the gift of draconian efficiency.) It was a freaky combination of AP courses/ classes that counted for dual requirements/ testing out of credits in my major.  Even my counselor did a double take.  “Wait, is that right? What? How did you do that? You barely have enough BYU credits to count as a junior, but….you’re done.”

And then came the options. A suffocating number of options.

After a hysterical episode (Or two. Or five. Or like more than that don’t h8) I put it out of my mind and left to enjoy the week. Well, until I was cornered by my mother on the plane ride home. How do I break this tiny yet indestructible plastic window? Will I be sucked into the night abyss by a swirling cloud vortex? Is my elbow strong enough to do that? (It wasn’t.)

So I returned home and I thought. And weighed and prayed and graphed.

I owe a lot to friends and family who listened to me reason, out-reason, and re-reason through the situation. (A lot of unreasonable occurred, too.) 

Sometimes I’m terrified and sometimes I’m nauseous and sometimes I’m so excited I can barely stand it.  But like….mostly the first two.

Because I don’t know what happens next. I have no freaking clue.

And I just really don’t want to wear a pantsuit.