inquiries to answer the inquiries.

Being irresponsibly in love - isn't it grand?
Doesn't it make your pennies shine?
Weren't those years of waiting worth it?

And how I wish it weren't so, but don't we always have to bring our heads with our hearts?
And isn't it okay to be patient?
And isn't it okay to explore, and grow, and learn?

I quite think so.
I quite do.

FIFTEEN.

...

“If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.” 

                                                                                                              ― Marilyn Monroe

you've got mail-- wait, no, I'VE GOT MAIL!!

I hadn't received a letter since 

mid-OCTOBER.

How were you surviving? you may ask yourselves.

Well, I wasn't really.  Ask my roommate. Erratic disfunction is the best way to describe my emotions as of late.

Skipping classes just to check the mailbox.  Days spent entirely in sweats.  Having to take down pictures simply to be able to focus on what people were saying to me.

Thankfully, I finally received another long-anticipated letter from my missionary!!!

(you know how I use syntactic sentences of the exclamatory variety very infrequently, so that triple-decker goes to show the excitement dug into my very core)

His wonderful mother forwards me the weekly family emails, but personal communication is much less frequent, as we aren't allowed to email directly.  At times this is difficult to the point of being painful.

But there's something terribly romantic about hand-written letters.  It's old-fashioned, a dying art.  It reminisces of a time when the men left their sweethearts behind to go to war.

As hard as it is to have him gone, I'm grateful that he's serving.  

I wouldn't have it any other way.

[side note:  His english is starting to fail him, thanks to the complete immersion in the culture.  Unlike anyone else's grammatical errors, I find them endearing-- darling, even.]

 "I am just lovin’ life right now--you couldn’t  have wiped the smile off my face yesterday, no matter what you did.  It seems like this week we finally saw results from our efforts.  I feel so blessed.  There were literally miracles every day—some days felt like everything just fell right into place."

Glad to see his eating habits haven't changed much.

"It really is just sooo amazing to see people change--I love it, and it sooo addicting.  I have to admit that  I have changed alot, and I would say that I am a little weird,  but I can honestly say that I have never been so happy ever in my life."

"The Lord really is blessing us so much.  It feeling indescribable and excitement inside when you hear from investigators say that they know the church is true and they understand what you are teaching and they are excited to get baptized-- absolutely indescribable!"

it was a letter full of deeply personal matters.

sweet writings and tender promises.

he's a special boy.

6 months & 8 days.

That's how long it's been since I've seen this fella.

Try to put a leash on that green monster on your back when I tell what lucky girl got to talk to him on Christmas day.

( p.s. he loved the package. job well done, pinterest.)

a present sent abroad.

The Christmas package I sent to my missionary in Mexico included his favorite kinds of things:

snickers, peanut butter, church CDs, pranks, letters & such.

Two things that I am particularly proud of:

(because they required me to be crafty. FYI--I'm not crafty. I have not one domestic particle.)

1) skinny tie to match those baby blues with an important date embroidered on the back. 

2) deck of cards with 52 things I love about him written on the back

(thank you, pinterest)

Took it to the post office the week of Thanksgiving.

I just hope he gets it in time.

all my love.

until.

We said goodbye June 19, though he didn't leave until the 22nd.  He needed to have some time to focus on his family & regroup before leaving.

He came over that Sunday after his farewell and didn't leave until 5:00 the next morning.

  

It felt out-of-body, at first, when I heard him knock. Was this happening? and I couldn't control it, so I closed off inside myself, pushing The Other Girl to the front, making her pull my cheeks up into a smile. Someone else was opening the door for the last time, seeing the sad eyes on the porch.

What do you say when there aren't words?
We sat in quiet until we didn't. 
       accents. that's how we tore down the silence. we spoke in accents. 
       terribly inaccurate ones, mind you
             sliding from southern to british to chilean.

And we laughed, and exhaled, and he tucked my hair behind my ear.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and he carried me upstairs, gently sitting on my bed. thinking alone, breathing together.

He was there until he wasn't.
He couldn't leave. I couldn't let him leave.

but he did. he had to. and I wanted him to.

it all is for the best.

then, I couldn't feel him anymore
I heard footsteps treading down the stairs.
  a pause
  a creaky stair
and he was back.

The last few tender moments broke my heart.

I held on until I wouldn't.
I had to save a few heartstrings to keep myself going.
to keep my lungs expanding and contracting
and the blood pumping.
So I pushed him away
and heard the front door click.
He sat in his car for a while
My breath clouded the window
       the fog slipped off the pane, and I breathed it in.
       I felt it swell down my throat, flush through my veins
       it all became haze.
his taillights disappeared
and my forehead fell against the cool glass.

6:00am, wrapped in his XL shirt. bracing myself on the sides of the sink, gasping. breath being strangled in my throat by the sobs ripping through my chest. 

   a searing rent 

       a hollow ache

the remaining heartstrings snapped

makeup smeared by the tears coursing their paths down my face.  Then, a blurred mom with a grim smile, "Well. You're doing better than I thought."

I felt until I couldn't.
I'll wait until I won't.

the acts of a boy.

Sometimes I wonder, "He's either a hologram or a robot, because no human being is that perfect." 

Richie is the single most thoughtful, kind-hearted human being I've ever met. He loves doing little things to surprise me for the sole purpose of seeing me smile. 

He brought me flowers. Twice a week. He'd spontaneously show up on some moped and tell me we were going for a ride. He wrote poems, sent sweet texts, and sat me on his lap in front of his family.

I told him my brother ripped a hole in my life-sized jumbo teddy bear.  The next day while I was at school, he called my mom and spent 3 hours talking with her and sewing it up.  And didn't even tell me after.

My family worships him, especially Jack.  Richie was his stand-in big brother. They played video games and kicked around a soccer ball. They made rude noises and played with the contraband green-lasers Richie bought for Jack.  Rich would go to Jack's games and not even tell me he went.

We went golfing with our dads. 
And don't even get me started on my mom.  
They write 3 page letters to each other.

We sat by the fire and talked for hours.  When I would fall asleep, he never woke me up. He'd lay there, brushing my hair from my face, leaning down to kiss my forehead. 

one of my favorite memorie is his singing to me next to the fire.

Digging a hole
And the walls are caving in,
Behind me,
Airs getting thin,
But I'm trying,
I'm breathing in,
Come find me,

It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

I know you're scared,
That I'll soon be over it,
That's part of it all,
Part of the beauty,
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall,

It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you,

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you,

I'm so proud of you, Elder Connolly!

five months down. nineteen to go.

all my love.

Keys that cliff-dive

How did I meet Richie?

Alright, you guys asked for it.

Thanks to having 13 kids, Mr. & Mrs. Richie's Parents have had to have a very healthy marriage.  Now they plan and host a marriage enrichment weekend on occasion, some of which my parents have attended.  This past January a handsome, tall boy named Richie visited his parents and sang a duet with his dad, after which my mom walked up to Mr. Richie's Dad and said the now infamous line, "I have a girl for that boy."

At this point he was down in Provo at BYU and I was finishing my senior year in Sandy. We started emailing.  First short blurbs, then paragraphs, then pages. and pages. and pages. 

In March he gave me a tour of the campus, since I had decided to go the Y.  I was instantly drawn to him; there was something about the boyish charm, the delighted smile that would spring to his face, and his calloused hands.

On our first/second (it's debatable) date, I somehow dropped my keys off a cliff.  Yeah, it happened.  I had to call my mom to bring us the spare to my truck.  The rest of the evening went flawlessly: Real Salt Lake soccer game with my family, finishing up by star-gazing/music-listening on the top of my car. (Which we then had to jump at 2 a.m.)  I knew there was something special about him from the start.

The next day I was called down to the office at school.  I left art history, wondering what mom needed. As I told the receptionist my name, a huge smile overtook her tired face and she handed me....my keys? And this note.

Yes, he hiked back up the mountain. And found my keys. 

After the first date.

And thus it began.

all my love.

An intro to Elder Connolly

His name is Richie.  

Rich graduated from East High School and attended a year at BYU before choosing to serve an LDS mission and don the badge reading "Elder Connolly."   
He was an SBO, captain of the golf team, on the soccer & basketball teams, and in madrigals.
Oh, And he's the youngest of 13 kids.
Yes, 13.  [His oldest brother Jeff graduated with my roommate Sarah's parents.]
No, they are not dysfunctional.  The Connolly family [ConFam] is incredible; there isn't a better family out there.

Richard Kent Connolly is someone very, very close to my heart.
He's that boy that you think couldn't exist...the one that your friends check out when they think you aren't looking. the one that makes you the envy of every girl in the vicinity because they can just see how much he adores you. the one that checks off every. single. box. on your requirement list. and more.

This has been my list since age 14:

loves the Lord

returned missionary

big family

handsome

tall

makes me laugh

good with kids/wants a lot

confident

musical

smart

motivated

will let me have a puppy

quick-witted

athletic

thoughtful

kind

wants to travel

And... he's crazy about me. 
He really is. Can you believe that?
all my love.